Confessions of Humiliation & Shame

Nope. This is not going to be juicy at all. It's going to be stale and dry, like old cardboard. Besides, I'm not keeping this blog or this website for you; I'm keeping it for me. Similarly, I'm writing this blog post more as a reminder to myself than as a bit of gossip for you. At best, perhaps some of it might resonate with you, and, hopefully, it will help you to sort some things out like it's helping me, but I won't be surprised if it actually doesn't. We're each on a different stage of our own little hiking-trail through life.

to mediate externally

and/or meditate internally,

often without success.

...and yet

we write

So. In the beginning, a little less than two months ago, on my last hike with Karl's group, to the Glentana Caves, Theuns said something that got me thinking. He probably didn't intend for it to be what it became for me, but it did, and now it is, and here we are. So, yay! This is not sarcasm. It is, however ... Thanks, Theuns; deeply, profoundly, sincerely thanks. Your probably-unintentional words sent me on a path of revelation and realisation and healing like I don't recall before.

Right. So, after that hike, getting back home, standing in the shower, I realised: it's time for me to move on. What does that mean? It turned out to mean that I need to do more solo, meditative hikes. I have some stuff to sort out. At that stage, I still didn't really know what stuff exactly, but I vaguely became aware that there might be some stuff... that require some sorting.

So, gradually, I started scouting around for a nice spot to meditate. From the Arbour Rd. gate, I went down to the stream, and then followed it up-stream as far as I could go comfortably. I sat there for a while, but it wasn't a nice spot.

Next, the week after, I went up to the Old George Dam, and, behind the dam, at the inlet, scouted up-stream again, as far as I could go comfortably, to go tie some tassles. (If you know, you know; if don't, don't worry. It's a riddle.) There's a pool to splash in on a hot summer day, if you want, and then you can scout farther up-stream also, if go through the pool. It was nice enough, but it wasn't a spot. I did the tassles, and then I left.

Then, the next week, I scouted somewhere else. Not gonna tell. My secret. It's a spot. Spectacularly beautiful, peaceful, welcoming... Excellent for meditation and learning. Been there twice now. Hoping to go on sunday again, to do some more tassles, and perhaps find a new hiking staff, and possibly clean up the trash and filth from the bush-bum nest up-stream, and, later, hang a two-person swingseat from a tree branch.

This morning, Roy WhatsApped, inviting me along with him and Santie to the Wolwedans Dam at Great Brak on sunday. Didn't wanna. Told him I had other plans. ...which I do; as explained above. It feels Roy might be a bit miffed at me for leaving the hiking group. I don't blame him for being miffed, if he is. ...But I wasn't ready. Not this morning. I might be ready now, though. But what purpose would that serve in resolving all my issues? (Perhaps I should send him a link to this blog post.)

Anyway... What changed? When did it happen? How?

I was sitting in front of the laptop, happily entering private, hobbyist research-data into one of my spreadsheets, when I suddenly realised ... (That's when and how. Just like that. I just realised. I don't know how else. It just happened. I wasn't thinking about anything in particular; I was just working on the data... and BOOM! It hit me, right there in the sweet spot ...and it was beautiful.)

Shame! It's all shame. ...Humiliation and shame.

It took me more than half a century (not much more, just a few months) to come to this point. It took me almost fourteen months during this ‘Sabbath Year’ for my previous burn-out to subside, and for my brain to recover and heal enough to come to the point of being able to focus and think sufficiently clearly and sharply again to be able to realise and grok this revelation: most of my issues in life and nightmares otherwise... are due to humiliation and shame.

...And in that moment of this realisation, there was an immensely intensely wonderful sense of sudden release and ultimate relief at last. A breakthrough has occurred.

Humiliation: can be self-inflicted, or not. When it is self-inflicted, it is usually, for me, not intentional; inflicted by others, it might be unintentional, or not (sometimes I can tell, sometimes I can't). Shame is the emotion I experience after the moment/situation of humiliation. That's the difference and the relationship between the two concepts. (If humiliation is intentionally self-inflicted, it is usually not humiliation, but something otherwise stupid that deliberately lets me makes myself the butt of the joke on purpose, playing the clown.)

Hmmm... Just realised something else, something more, as well. I can only be humiliated, brought down to a fall, if I had been proud and prideful before. “Pride comes before a fall.” The fall happens after the pride. I can only fall if I had raised myself up high enough.

I had always thought I was aware of this, and specifically — consciously — took as much trouble as feasible within any particular situation to avoid said pride. ...but, perhaps, it was all merely a symptom of subconscious pride in any case afterall: thinking myself better, more experienced, wiser, more capable etc. than others — perhaps even more humble! Hah! Now there's a scarily cognitively-dissonant, auto-contradictory thought if I've ever seen one! (These last two paragraphs, including this one, I only realised now, while writing. “We write to meditate.” ...sometimes with some small success.)

Now I see how many of my life choices have been made due to humiliation and shame, and the fear of experiencing it again. I can even now see inevitable humiliation and shame in situations arising from my fearful choices in an attempt to avoid humiliation and shame!

...But a breakthrough has occurred. ...And I feel relieved, and hopeful.

It's not all sorted out yet. I've merely just begun to realise my humiliation and shame now. It doesn't mean anything else. I imagine that now the real work can begin. ...but I have no idea yet what that will be.  ... Perhaps I should actually go sit and think at the spot, and make a list of it all, and get it out of my system.

So, it's all still here. Haven't forgiven my self, or others, or whatever else the work might still require. ...BUT!!! ...and here's the big BUT: now, at least, at freaking last, I finally know and am aware of the situation, and can start doing something about it. (I hope.) “The first step in solving a problem is admitting that I have one.”

Hello, everybody. My name is Melt Louw, and I am a shameful hubrist. ... “Hi, Melt.”

Perhaps I might even be a narcissist. I've heard it said that we are what we hate. ...and if I am this, as subconsciously as it is said to be, then I hate what I am. ...but I am also something else... I am... going to start doing something about it. ...because, finally, I now know what it is, what I am. ...And that makes me happy and hopeful for the future. :D

I've seen and heard other people talk about shame and how to deal with it before, but it never resonated with me. I couldn't see or identify it within myself; I was blind(ed?). Same goes for the pride (although that's a little bit more nebulous at the moment still). ...But, if anyone else reading this might one day comes to a similar realisation for themselves, then I don't imagine that these words of mine here (will) mean anything to them either. I suspect that the only thing is that those other talking people might have accomplished was simply to have made me subconsciously aware of the possibility, and that the realisation could not occur until everything else had fallen into place as well. What “everything else”? I haven't the cat's foggiest notion of a cookin' clue. Like I said, it just happened. One moment, I was my own, previous, subconsciously-shameful self, and the next, I was a different, new, consciously-shameful self... with a little bit of realisation in between.

You might not agree with me. Those of you who might think you know me, might say that you don't see it in me. That might simply be because I've grown up to hide it so well. ...or, perhaps, now that I've mentioned it, you might also begin to start seeing in me what you could previously never quite put your finger on before. ...Or, perhaps, you've actually seen it all along, but the time was just never right to say anything about it, and all you could do was pray for me. Perhaps your prayer has finally been answered. Thank you for not humiliating me any further, and thank you for praying for me, whoever unknown person you might be.

Anyway... This is the next step in my journey, on the hiking trail I call “my life”. I don't know yet how it will turn out, but, today, this morning, one giant leap has been taken for li'l ol' Meltie over here, tiny as this step forward might still be. ;)

* *

Just realised, adding "we write" to the Poetry page, and browsing around there a little bit, that "Outside In", being applied to my new meditation spot, might finally have found some more-than-usual practical subconscious/unintended manifestation for the first time since its original writing. ;) !YaY! \o/

*

...And reading some more on the Poetry page, just realised that E. E. Cummings' "i thank You God for most this amazing" might also be applicable at the moment. ;D

Also, Koos du Plessis' "Grothuis" has been especially applicable to me in regards to my blindness, as explained above. Yet, already, I am considering what other blindnesses might also further afflict me... but, first, I must resolve the issues immediately at hand.

...And, finally, I see the blanket for what it is in this moment, as portions of the truth of the sweaty-toothed madman's mumblings have at last become somewhat clearer; and I hope that my kicking and screaming will soon reach their end, and that I will finally open my eyes to a quiet life on a bright, new morning at last -- tomorrow. :)

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Also just now realised how poetically-creative I've become again in the last two months... there's been "the beach", and the extension of "...walkwherewaterwould..." into a haiku (look carefully ;), and now, today, "we write"... (...And these are just the ones on this site. There've also been other writings in the background, offline, as well...) Wow! Something is definitely happening to me... I think, for one thing, that not being so active on WhatsApp anymore, and actually taking the power back in using the powerful "power" button on my phone to turn off the power (only checking for messages in the mornings when I charge it) has finally given me more time to return to and find again the self who I truly am. :)